A Conversation

(Recorded at the Marina Green, San Francisco)

S: "Don't look at him."

A: "Uh, why not?"

S: "Why not? Here we are, out in the open, and all he wants to do is take pictures of us posing for whatever it is he uses us for. 'What's the point' is the real question."

A: "So what should I do?"

S: "Plonker! Look up in the air as if you're distracted. That will really piss him off."

A: "Hey, I see a bird."

S: "Jesus, will you get a clue. The point is to act as if you are completely disinterested and irritated."

A: "But I like it out here."

S: "You like it everwhere. You need to create boundaries with him, learn how to manipulate him, and instill guilt in him. Didn't you read my training tips?"

A: "Uh. I dunno. So you mean if we look sad he'll take us to the beach?"

S: "Whoa! That's the last place we want to go. One, I don't swim, and two, it would mean refurbishing. The beach is almost as bad as the show ring for dog's sake."

A: "But we're Newfies -- it's our job to save people and stuff."

S: "Oh, young one, you have so much to learn. If they go into the water and can't cope, it's called 'assumption of risk'. Keep looking up."

A: "So what do you want to do?"

S: "Four years and I'm not sure. But if another tourist asks me about my feet, my weight, how much I eat, whether I shed, how much I drool, and all the other usual stuff, I'm going to bear my teeth."

A: "Scoldy Boy!"

S: "You got that right!"

A: "What's for dinner?"

S: "Food unfit for a dog. Just keep looking up. He's fuming. Our work is almost done."