Saturday, March 22, 2008
The Dog Show World Blues, Part One
Thursday - no beach, no park, no nice leisurely walk.
Friday - no beach, no park, no nice leisurely walk.
Saturday - no beach, no park, no nice leisurely walk.
Instead? Dog shows. They're not fit for a dog.
And Sunday will be more of the same.
The grooming, the refurbushing of the grooming, the pre-show half-baked grooming, the groping, the stupid run around the stupid ring. The bib-wearing!!!!!! No food in the morning (sorry, but Nutri-Cal doesn't do the trick). Well, puppy likes it but as you can see, I am less, quite less than happy about it all. It's all so uncivilized. And I don't even get to play with Hummer and Axl because of fear of additional refurbishing. (And then Hoover mauls me. Hey, Aunt Heidi, I was scoldy from the start -- pay up!! But it was nice to see Aunt Meredith -- she was so happy!!) Then Mrs. P says I need to lose five pounds from my shoulders. Hey baby, that's all muscle!!
Really, it's just an amalgam of Plonkers. Why not just say "The Plonker Kennel Club of Plonkerville"? It's all so Plonkerized that I'm singing the blues:
* * * * * * * *
I've had a question that's been preying on my mind for some time
I won't be wagging my tail for one good reason
It has to be a crime
This doghouse never was the place for me,
Runner up and second best just ain't my pedigree
I was so happy, just the two of us
Until this dog show world
Turned up in the Marchuary sale
I don't love it
Like they love it,
It won't be long now before this puppy goes astray
And what I like about these shows the most?
The ring's my favorite lamppost
Devil take the hindmost
Deu pra sentir como é difícil mudar, eu sei
Me distraí, me adiei, mas pode acreditar
Eu vi você sofrer, mas sei que vai passar
Não quero um cão, eu quero um homem pra me acompanhar
Você reclama demais, já decidi assim
Não faça drama, a nossa trama pode estar no fim
Aceite rápido, depressa, já aconteceu
Daqui pra frente somos três
Ele, você e eu
It's a shaggy kind of story
Would I tell you if I thought it was a lie?
But when the cat's away the mouse will play,
I wouldn't dish around here
There's something fishy round here
I howl all night and I sleep all day
Take more than biscuit baby to chase these blues away
I've got a long enough leash
I could almost hang myself
It's a dog's life showing baby
I'd rather be doing anything else
And now the superintendent has moved my basket
I'd like to put him in a casket
I'll wear my best collar to his funeral
Sua má fé que me separa ainda mais de você
É uma tortura
E a cabeça não quer aprar de doer
Não posso mais, não devo mais ver minha vida escorrer
Você não pensa em ninguém, você só ama você
O amor existe e como é triste matar ou morrer
Todas as noites mais bonitas serão esquecidas, vem ver
A festa terminou, o dia apareceu
Esteja atento, em pouco tempo
Apenas ele e eu
To have found a perfect life
And a perfect love so strong
Well there can't be nothing worse
Than a perfect love gone wrong
You said I wasn't just your Christmas toy
I'd always be your boy
I'd be your faithful companion
And I would follow you through every thick and thin
Don't need these show world blues
And my coat don't need a trim.
(Okay, okay, it's a rip on Sting's "Perfect Love, Gone Wrong" but it's apt, and I'm apathetic.)
I can't wait for Monday, when things get back to normal and I can just be plain old Scoldy Boy. Until then, I believe we've proven that two negatives (two Plonkers) do not make a positive.