Thursday, October 9, 2008
Financial Crisis Hits Newfoundlands
Dear Senator McCain:
While you are busy running for President, Newfoundlands are facing a dire financial state of affairs. Yes, the financial crisis of 2008 has not only hit Europe and Asia, but also Newfoundlands. I'm speaking of 'Drew and myself.
You see, our favorite treats are Solid Gold's Beef Jerky. However, due to the rather poor economic climate, our rations have been cut by three-quarters, with severe results: we can no longer muster the strength for water rescue, no longer afford show entries, and are withering away from starvation. Personally, I have dropped ten pounds in the last month alone. I even tried tasting small-dog but it was horrid. The health benefits of Solid Gold treats are well documented by the company itself:
"Good dogs deserve good treats! Treats that are not only good tasting, but wholesome and healthy. The nutritionists at Solid Gold believe in using only the natural ingredients that dogs love. They have formulated these treats with your dog's health in mind and have ensured that ingredients, such as wheat, corn and soy are not added because they are among the most common cause of allergies in pets. The bakers then created quality inspired recipes that make 'heavenly treats from nature's bounty.' Solid Gold Beef Jerky treats made with real beef are ideal for training and the show ring. They are soft enough for puppies and older dogs."
We (and others) therefore plead with you for a financial bailout. Not one like that you endorsed for AIG, but just a few hundred thousand dollars (which would also get us the Maserati we so desire and need) to keep us in the lifestyle to which we have become accustomed. We only ask for equal protection under the law: to be treated by the government as those similarly situated. Time is of the essence. We implore you to come to our aid. As you recently stated, "these are very, very difficult times."
Yes, we know.
Karazan Satchel & Karazan Music of the Night